I have written a number of posts to you recently but I have hesitated to hit send.
Because typically I share with you when I am in a good place and recently I have been in a rough spot.
I wanted to get to the other side before I shared but I know there is healing in sharing your heart with others. So today I am inviting you into the pit with me.
This week marks the year anniversary of my diagnosis and I am flooded with memories and emotions. Leading up to this week I have been experiencing a sadness and I was unsure why.
I am alive and well. I am home with my family and we are back to life. How can I be sad?!
In the past couple of weeks I have had some clarity. I realize I have felt ashamed at the way I feel. Before you start thinking of what you want to say to that, please hear me out.
Having walked so closely to the edge of life and having received such peace within me in the process, I questioned how deep my faith was if I was in a funk like this. I want to walk the walk, not talk the talk and I was unsure if I was walking the walk beside you anymore.
But then, last week, while I attended a funeral, I heard the pastor say, "grief and sadness are not a lack of faith in God, they are emotions you need to move through because you have experienced a loss."
And there was my answer. This wasn't a lack of faith I had been experiencing. I have been grieving and didn't know that I was.
I have been grieving the old me and how life was before cancer entered our life. I have been grieving how close I felt to God during my time in treatment and how I went from a convent to Grand Central Station spiritually. I spend time with God every day yet there are so many more distractions now that it is harder to hear him over the echoing of the voices and the coming and going of trains around me.
I have been grieving the loss of what was.
I know in my heart that God has a new path for me and this is a stepping stone for me to get there. I need to sit here and grieve, feeling the sadness as I let go of what was so I can wholeheartedly move forward.
I am not sure how long this process will take. I hope it will pass quickly but it is where I am today. And I share it with you because I know someone else is in this space too and when you're in it, it is a lonely place and I just want them to know, you are not alone.
We can be beautifully broken together, though apart.
May we trust that the light we are meant to shine will shine brighter when we stop trying to hold ourselves together and let it shine through our broken places.
With love and hope,
"God is close to the brokenhearted." - Psalm 34:18