Last year, the day before I was diagnosed, I was flying home from Nashville with Stephen after an incredible getaway.
I wrote this blog post on our flight home but chose not to post it for some reason. Little did I know then how much the message I was writing about was something I needed to be rooted in my heart for the whole year through...
My husband surprised me for my birthday with a trip away for a weekend. We have always wanted to go to Nashville and finally got to! Stephen knows I get travel anxiety and is hopeful my fear of travel will pass in time...and what better way to get over it than to take me away?!
This was our weekend away. The moment our kids drove away with my inlaws I ugly cried. From there my stomach got tied in knots knowing I had to tackle two flights away from my bubble of comfort to enter other people's bubble in Nashville.
With my heart in my throat I boarded the planes, said my prayers and listened to my favorite music trying to get my mind away from the dis-ease I was experiencing within.
Once we got there I settled into our new space and had a great weekend with Stephen exploring Music City.
I sit and write to you often about my journey to live from the inside out yet I often write to you from my bubble of comfort where I have lived for 34 of my 38 years of life. Yet today I am writing to you on my travels home from Nashville while 41,000 feet in the air. This is far from my bubble.
As I soar above the clouds right now I see clearly that I have no control over the outcome and my fear of the unknown is bigger than my faith. I know I have to truly put my life in the hands of others. I have to have faith in this skills of the engineers who designed the planes, the mechanics who built them and care for them, the air traffic controllers who direct them, pilots who fly them, the stewardesses who are present for our needs on them, and in God's plan.
Sometimes, like right now, I have no choice but to let go and trust God. Yet is sounds much prettier than what it looks like for me because right now it is a wrestling match in my mind, my stomach is in knots once again and my heart is beating wildly in my throat. No one around me can see the discomfort I am experiencing within.
Yet I know that sometimes I have to do things I don't want to do to unfold into the person I need to be and to grow deeper in relationship with God, and others.
Today I have been...
Pausing. Breathing. Praying.
Having faith doesn't mean I will always be at peace - although I wish it did. What it does mean is that I believe every experience is an opportunity to grow in faith trusting that no matter the outcome all will be well - in time.
It isn't always pretty but to have made those memories with Stephen this weekend - and our children with their Grandparents - I know is worth it!
This blog post is as significant today as it was last year. As I move forward, I don't know the outcome, just I like I didn't on my flight. And although I do not know what the future holds, I know who holds the future, God.
My practice is to wake up each day and practice letting go and trusting God, with my heart, my health, my family and my future. It is easier said than done but I know trusting God is what will bring me the peace I am seeking.
I share this with you today in case you too are unsure of an outcome and are feeling uneasy about it. I offer for you to join me and...
Pause. Breathe. Pray.
May we practice letting go of needing to know and being in control. May we instead surrender ourselves into the loving hands of God who will carry us through, this day, and everyday...no matter our circumstances, no matter the outcome.
With love and hope,