The Survivor's Pause

2018 october scans.jpg

This is my current reality.

I am back in Boston for the day. Another three month check up which includes chest ct scan, head and neck mri and meetings with my surgeon, radiation oncologist, oncologist and my obturator doctor.

A friend asked me yesterday how I was doing with this day on the horizon.

My response?

“I just am.”

What does that mean?

I don’t walk overconfidently into these appointments expecting I will definitely receive good news.

Yet I don’t walk in dreading that I will be told that I have cancer again. I know fear and worry won’t make the truth unfold any sooner but when they call my name, which they naturally do, I whisper back that they aren’t welcome with me at these appointments.

So I lay on the tables during the scans, I move from one chair to another, and I wait...and wait...and wait...

I share this today because this isn’t just my story. I write these words for every cancer survivor out there whose life gets interrupted every three, six, or twelve months for a day, or a week, when our lives need to pause for our scans.

We are reminded that cancer has been part of our story, and we hope it remains part of the past. 

Yet the truth is we don’t know the outcome until it is spoken to us.

So we wait doing our best to show up for life, but that looks and sounds different for all of us. 

What can you do for us?

Pause. Breathe. Pray. And simply sit beside us, whether near or far, and just be with us. You don’t need to try and make it better. Just walk beside us listening to our hearts if we choose to speak and accept our silence if that’s what we have to offer. And those messier moments of us being on edge, please don’t take it personally. Instead please meet us with great love and compassion as it’s what we truly need. We would really appreciate that.

And to every survivor waiting...

Please know you are not alone and you are being wrapped in love as you wait💕🙏😘

With love and hope,

**I just received my results and my scans are clear💝 I am extremely grateful yet I know someone received the opposite results today so I hope you’ll join me in keeping those who have to fight (again) in our thoughts and prayers💕🙏💕