Have you found yourself internally struggling at times during this pandemic?
I have.
It took me a while to be honest with myself, but about two months in, I found myself struggling with my thoughts. I was snapping at things like milk being left on the counter, when that’s not a big deal.
We are healthy and have more than our basic needs met. Why would I be struggling?
Look at all the essential workers and their families and what they are going through. Look at the people who have family members who are sick, or have lost someone to COVID. Suck it up Shawn, you have no reason to struggle.
It took me some time to recognize that I was struggling with my thoughts and although my story was different than others, it was still okay for me to be struggling in this unique time.
At the beginning of all of this, the unknown, the uncertainty of everything, was like cancer all over for me.
Who is going to get it? Who gets to stay? Who will we lose?
Trust me, I know COVID isn’t cancer, yet the parallels of the experience were potent for me. I had just gone through a season of not knowing if I was going to live or die a few years ago, I would prefer to not experience that again, or have a loved one, or anyone for that matter, experience those unknowns and uncertainties.
And since I couldn’t control what was happening, I subconsciously took control of what I could, and I went into action.
From when I woke up to the moment I went to bed, inside the home I made it my responsibility to get a new routine in place, make the meals, be sure the kids are set with school, make sure everyone is getting unplugged, outside and staying connected to friends, wiping down the doorknobs, trying to spend quality time with each kid everyday, attempting to work while making sure everyone’s needs (and some wants) are met, etc.
I went into action seeing where I could live out love towards family, friends, our community, and to you. I wanted to be there to support others in this time and help meet some of their needs.
Pause with me for a moment.
Do you see what I was doing?
I was trying to be perfect at this pandemic thing. Ummmm...yep, that wasn’t working. Being perfect isn’t possible and attempting to be perfect is crippling.
From within my home to beyond, I was trying to take care of other people’s needs. Yet it wasn’t just their needs I was trying to meet, I realized I also wanted to save people from the experiencing a struggle themselves, from my kids to healthcare workers in the frontline.
Did anyone ask for me to do that? No.
It was pressure I put on myself. And it grew heavier as the weeks went on. The week where I came undone was when I needed to get bloodwork for some new symptoms I had been experiencing; one test was to see if cancer was the culprit (it wasn’t🙏). Layering the weight of wondering if cancer was back with what I was already putting on my shoulders crushed me. Rather than holding everything together, I came undone.
And that was just what I needed to do.
Although everyday I spend time with God in prayer, I recognized I no longer came to him raw hearted. Instead I was presenting myself to Him in this tidy package. Well, I tore that package open and shared with God all that was on my heart. I need help. I need my thoughts to shift. I can’t show up for everyone. I can’t live in fear anymore of the cancer coming back. I can't be in charge of everyone’s happinesss. For the love of God, I have been trying to control everything around me because I guess I feel out of control, yet I am not the one in control, God, you are.
As I cried my heart out to God, I realized I had created a protective shell around me that I didn’t let anyone into; God, family or friends.
I clearly saw the old me was back. I was holding myself to standards that were not realistic and harmful, not only to me, but they were also impacting the relationships in my home. And I had trouble writing to you because I wanted to encourage you, when in truth, I was needing encouragement myself.
I, for the bajillionth time, surrendered myself to God.
He is the one in control.
He is the one who brings joy to our hearts.
He already knows what tomorrow holds, and will hold our hand no matter what is to come.
He is the one who saves and will make good of all of this.
He is God, and I am not.
I brought myself to my knees, literally, to let go. I put my trust in God, again, and not in myself. I humbled myself to say that I needed help to get back on solid ground.
Then, I actually paused long enough from talking to hear...
“Just be.”
Huh?
“Just be.”
Huh.
I had been so busy doing, and trying to control life around me, I hadn’t paused long to just be.
Be with God.
I share this with you today in case you too have found yourself relating to anything I just shared. I invite you to join me to...
pause.
breathe.
pray.
May we choose to be. Be still with God and lay down all we’ve been carrying, that isn’t ours to carry, at His feet.
His Word tells us He will lead us beside still waters. He will renew our minds and restore our souls. May we take the time to be with Him, in a raw hearted way. May we not only talk but pause to listen. May we fill up on His truth, love, Word and wisdom, so when we do move, we become His love in action; nothing more, and nothing less, with a more content, and peaceful heart.
With love and hope,
Shawn
“The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing. He makes me lie down in green pastures, He leads me beside quiet waters, He refreshes my soul. He guides me along the right paths for his name’s sake.” - Psalm 23:1-3
