Yesterday I thought I was going to implode at one point. I had my scans yesterday. The angst within started about two weeks ago, wondering if the scans would be clear or not.
The stories in my head were many; some freeing but many paralyzing. I had to sit with the unknown. I was praying through it but the unknown was like a thick wall that my prayers didn’t seem to break through.
Was it going to be back? Would I have to walk with cancer again? What did the future look like for me? For my family?
I had been shoving all of this down and then when I laid on the MRI table yesterday I just cried my heart out.
Literally.
To Mike, the MRI guy.
And once I laid down, to God.
I had never met a scan with this much fear. Usually I am able to lay there resting, palms up, trusting that whatever the outcome will be that God has it, and all will be well.
My head knew that truth, but it was not sinking beneath the surface. The fear, rather than my faith yesterday, was wide, long and deep.
I kept wavering between faith and fear. I had never been on such a seesaw of thoughts before. There was such a battle for my mind. Usually faith wins but yesterday fear gave its best fight yet.
When I got out of one scan, I moved to the next one. I dissected the words of the technicians. Knowing they can’t tell me anything, were their words telling me something?
My mind was a mess.
And then, once the scans were done, I needed to wait for the results. Thank God I needed to only wait an hour until I found out and for Stephen being there beside me to help me through it.
I sat in the doctors office unsure of what I’d hear. Unsure of what I’d have to tell our kids. Unsure of what tomorrow held.
With Stephen beside me every step of the way, he sat with me as the doctor said, “your scans look good.”
“What?!”
“Good?!?! Really? You are sure? My head? Neck? Chest? It’s all okay?!”
“Yes, it is,” the doctor shared.
And the tears of gratitude flowed.
The relief I experienced yesterday was unlike any I’ve known before. This morning I woke up and told Stephen I felt like I was walking on a cloud. I had no idea how much heaviness I had been holding on to leading up to those scans yesterday.
But I had been. And it was real. And it was heavy.
I am sharing this with you today because this is not just the truth of my heart, but the truth for many cancer survivors, scanxiety, as it’s called, is a real thing.
I pray that for my next scans, in six months, I will have more peace like I have had at my previous ones, and not be gripped with fear like I experienced yesterday. Yet I know today there is someone walking in the same shoes I was in yesterday.
I invite you to join me to...
pause. breathe. pray.
...for those are getting scans, and especially for those whose received news that they have to fight for the first time, or again.
May my sharing this truth give sight to see into the life of a cancer survivor. When treatment is done, the journey doesn’t end. I share this to raise awareness so when you hear someone is going for scans, on the outside it may not seem like much, yet on the inside, there may be a struggle of the heart and a battle in their mind, to find peace in the process.
And for me, I am breathing deeper today, giving thanks to God for the freedom this news brings. I realize, the past couple of weeks, I haven't really been living and now intend to do just that; live the fullest life I can. Because cancer or not, we never know what tomorrow brings. So let's go make the best of this day we have been given. 💕🙏💕
With love and hope,
Shawn
