Yesterday I thought I was going to implode at one point. I had my scans yesterday. The angst within started about two weeks ago, wondering if the scans would be clear or not.
The stories in my head were many; some freeing but many paralyzing. I had to sit with the unknown. I was praying through it but the unknown was like a thick wall that my prayers didn’t seem to break through.
Was it going to be back? Would I have to walk with cancer again? What did the future look like for me? For my family?
I had been shoving all of this down and then when I laid on the MRI table yesterday I just cried my heart out.
Literally.
To Mike, the MRI guy.
And once I laid down, to God.
I had never met a scan with this much fear. Usually I am able to lay there resting, palms up, trusting that whatever the outcome will be that God has it, and all will be well.
My head knew that truth, but it was not sinking beneath the surface. The fear, rather than my faith yesterday, was wide, long and deep.
I kept wavering between faith and fear. I had never been on such a seesaw of thoughts before. There was such a battle for my mind. Usually faith wins but yesterday fear gave its best fight yet.
When I got out of one scan, I moved to the next one. I dissected the words of the technicians. Knowing they can’t tell me anything, were their words telling me something?
My mind was a mess.
And then, once the scans were done, I needed to wait for the results. Thank God I needed to only wait an hour until I found out and for Stephen being there beside me to help me through it.
I sat in the doctors office unsure of what I’d hear. Unsure of what I’d have to tell our kids. Unsure of what tomorrow held.
With Stephen beside me every step of the way, he sat with me as the doctor said, “your scans look good.”
“What?!”
“Good?!?! Really? You are sure? My head? Neck? Chest? It’s all okay?!”
“Yes, it is,” the doctor shared.
And the tears of gratitude flowed.
The relief I experienced yesterday was unlike any I’ve known before. This morning I woke up and told Stephen I felt like I was walking on a cloud. I had no idea how much heaviness I had been holding on to leading up to those scans yesterday.
But I had been. And it was real. And it was heavy.
I am sharing this with you today because this is not just the truth of my heart, but the truth for many cancer survivors, scanxiety, as it’s called, is a real thing.
I pray that for my next scans, in six months, I will have more peace like I have had at my previous ones, and not be gripped with fear like I experienced yesterday. Yet I know today there is someone walking in the same shoes I was in yesterday.
I invite you to join me to...
pause. breathe. pray.
...for those are getting scans, and especially for those whose received news that they have to fight for the first time, or again.
May my sharing this truth give sight to see into the life of a cancer survivor. When treatment is done, the journey doesn’t end. I share this to raise awareness so when you hear someone is going for scans, on the outside it may not seem like much, yet on the inside, there may be a struggle of the heart and a battle in their mind, to find peace in the process.
And for me, I am breathing deeper today, giving thanks to God for the freedom this news brings. I realize, the past couple of weeks, I haven't really been living and now intend to do just that; live the fullest life I can. Because cancer or not, we never know what tomorrow brings. So let's go make the best of this day we have been given. 💕🙏💕
With love and hope,
Shawn
Do Not Let Your Hearts Be Troubled
My heart and mind needed to hear this this morning and I thought I’d share in case you needed to hear this too💕🙏💕
With love and hope,
Shawn
Share Your Story
Don’t be afraid to share your story with others. You will never know how your story may benefit those who hear it until you share it.
Take a moment to join me to...
pause. breathe. pray.
Who is someone that would benefit from hearing your story? Consider sharing it with them as it may be helpful for them, and healing for you.💕🙏💕
With love and hope,
Shawn
You are Never Alone
Last night I shared my story with a group of people to encourage them that our struggles can have purpose. At the end of the conversation one of the attendees said to me, “you talked about circles of love around you, but my family is gone, and I don’t have those circles.”
My heart broke.
This isn’t the first time, nor will it be the last that I hear this. And what breaks my heart is that I know there are people ready to be this person’s circle of love & yet there this person sat, in a room full of people, feeling alone.
I share this with you today because there are people we may pass every day, or we are that person, who feels alone & that there aren’t circles of love around them.
I invite you to join me to...
pause. breathe. pray.
As hard as this truth can be to hear, may we recognize there are people who feel this way; alone on a island. There may also be people who do have people around them yet who still feel alone. We may not know the truth of someone’s heart so why not do what we can do to shine a light of love into the hearts we pass today in case they may be hurting?
May we give that smile to the person we pass by, say hello to the person beside us in line, engage in a conversation with someone we see often but have not taken the time to be present with them, invite our neighbor over, remind loved ones that we love them and are thinking of them, & are here for them, if/when they ever need it, etc.
If you are the person feeling isolated & alone, please hold on to hope & reach out for help; whether it is to your local social services department, calling a warm line in your area to be able to talk with someone, stop by a local church/place of worship, etc.; know there are people who are ready your circles of love. It may be a hard first step to reach out but please do it.
May we also remember that God stands at the door of our hearts knocking, ready for us to invite Him in to be that inner circle of love for us every day. For when we do, no matter whether we are in a room with 100 people or by ourselves, by opening that door & growing that relationship, we can come to know, & trust, that we are truly never alone.
With love & hope,
Shawn
Today Is A Gift
This week I have had a number of conversations with people whose stories are hard to swallow; from a mom who shared she lost a child to suicide, a friend with ACC who has it for the second time, a mom whose child has a rare brain cancer, to a teen who is so stressed out its hard for them to meet each day.
Hearing their stories is heavy, yet We are here to love one another and walk beside each other through the sunny and stormy days in life. And speaking with each of them reminds me of this simple truth that can escape us when when we are in the sunny days.
This day is a gift.
I invite you to join me to...
pause. breathe. pray.
We do not know what tomorrow holds. And when we aren’t close to the edge ourselves, or near others who are, we can easily get swept away in the busy and miss the simple truth that today is a gift. May we take this moment to slow down. To feel the breath in our lungs, our feet on the floor, and really look at the person beside us. May we be present in this day, as a gift to ourselves, and those around us. May we walk through this day unwrapping every breath, smile, and interaction as the gift they are💕🙏💕
With love and hope,
Shawn
“Teach us to number our days so we may gain a heart of wisdom.” - Psalm 90:12
Happy Valentine's Day
Love is...
patient,
kind
Love does not envy
Love does not boast
Love is not proud.
Love does not dishonor others
Love is not self-seeking
Love is not easily angered
Love keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
Love always...
protects,
trusts,
hopes,
perseveres.
Love never fails.
- 1 Corinthians 13:4-8
May we choose to live out love towards ourselves, and every person we interact with today, and everyday.
And even though we may not be perfect at living out love, wouldn’t it be beautiful if this was the foundational norm for us all?❤️🙏❤️
Happy Valentine’s Day, friend❣️
With love,
Shawn
Walk with Confidence and Care
I took this picture back in the fall on a family hike. Our youngest always takes the more challenging path when we are on our hikes.
Where there is a smooth trail, you’ll find him on the rocky trail next to it.
When there is a marked path, he will be trailblazing his own.
When there are stairs to the top, he instead finds the wall to climb.
I share this with you today in case you find yourself on a rocky trail, an unmarked path or climbing up a mountain in life.
What I have witnessed with Matt is that he never questions if he can is able to handle those challenging paths, he walks with confidence and care on them as if he is equipped for them.
I invite you to join me to...
pause. breathe. pray.
Whatever challenging path we are currently on, may we, like Matt, walk with confidence and care trusting God made us able for this path ahead of us.
With love and hope,
Shawn
Gratitude. Simplicity. Grace.
This season I put too much on my plate and I am spread thin. I am learning from it yet am still in the thick of the busy most days for a few more weeks.
The other day I read something that referenced this picture titled, “Grace.” This picture hung in my kitchen as a kid. A few years ago I saw it in my parent’s attic and asked if I could have it. It has been hanging in our dining room since.
Yet, like many things, just because it’s there, it doesn’t mean I pause to appreciate it’s value.
So when I read about the picture I walked into the dining room and just paused to look at it.
The simplicity.
The gratitude.
The lesson.
Grace.
I share this with you today, in case you too are in a busy season. I invite you to join me to...
pause. breathe. pray.
May we pause to look at this picture and capture its depth and richness. Even if things aren’t simple right now, may we pause long enough to see what we have to be grateful for. And as we look to the next season ahead of us, if simplicity is something we need for ourselves and/or those around us, may we do what is ours to do to make that happen.
Gratitude. Simplicity. Grace.
May they nourish our souls.
With gratitude and hope,
Shawn
Celebrate Someone Else
In their last social media posts, Kobe Bryant and his daughter both were celebrating someone else’s success.
I invite you to join me to...
pause. breathe. pray.
May we each take a moment to see if there is something we can learn from that truth.
With love,
Shawn
💕🙏Prayers to all who have lost loved ones this week publicly, or privately🙏💕
Future Promises
Three years ago today my ENT found my tumor. When I replay that day in my head, so many emotions come up. I have allowed myself to be in those for a bit this morning. Yet I won’t allow myself to live there all day because, as I have learned, this day is a gift, as is every one we get. The one emotion I am going to choose to hold onto is gratitude. I am beyond grateful to be here today to experience this day with my family.
I share this with you today for the awareness that survivors, of all kinds, have days like this. Where a date can bring us back to our past and have us replay in our heads hard moments. Please just be present with us on these days, and know you don’t need to fix things, or try to make it better. Sometimes we just need to move through these moments, as a continued part of our healing.
And for those of you who have these days, like I do, I invite you to join me to...
pause. breathe. pray.
And may we live out the truth in these words. May we allow ourselves to go back to that day but may we not allow the pain of our past to speak louder than the promises of our future. And for those who can still get paralyzed at the idea of what our future looks like, like I can sometimes, may we trust in God’s plan and promises, more than our own plans or expectations. By trusting in God’s promises may all be well in our soul so we can make the best of this day, and life, we have been given.💕🙏💕
With love and hope,
Shawn
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your path straight.” -Proverbs 3:5-6