Yesterday was a rough day for me. I often hesitate to share this side of my story. I am choosing to share this today so others know they aren’t alone and to raise awareness of the reality of what being a cancer survivor can be like.
The other day I noticed something looked off on the side of my tongue in the back. I compared it to the other side and they looked different. The rational side of me said it’s probably nothing but my anxious mind grew louder than the logic and my thoughts started to snowball…
Oh my goodness, what if it’s back?
I made an appointment with my dentist to be diligent and get eyes on it that would be able to tell me the truth. I had my appointment yesterday. After my dentist looked at my tongue he thought it was best that I go to an oral surgeon to have it checked out. Thankfully I was able to get in with a local oral surgeon yesterday afternoon.
As I waited for those couple hours in between appointments I prayed a little but my anxious thoughts hijacked my mind.
What if it is back? And in my tongue? Will I be able to talk? Will I be able to teach?
Relax, God’s with you and will help you no matter the outcome.
But what if it is back will I be around to see my kids graduate from High School? College?
And on and on the layers of questions came flooding in more than the prayers.
Tears fell from my eyes as I sat there with the oral surgeon and he confirmed that all was well and no biopsy was needed.
Words can’t describe the relief I felt.
I know what it feels like for my faith to be bigger than my fear. It wasn’t yesterday. I pray for the fear of a recurrence to go away. I pray that my trust in God, and His peace, rule my heart and mind everyday. It’s easier said than done, yet I know it’s possible with God’s help.
Please know I don’t share this for sympathy. I share this in case you are a cancer survivor and have had these moments too. Please know you aren’t alone. And for those who have a loved one who is a cancer survivor please know that the fear of a recurrence is real for many of us.
They say the fear passes eventually. I pray it does for any of you, and for me.
In the meantime, I invite you to join me to…
pause. breathe. pray.
May we be diligent about our health yet may the fear of a recurrence not rule our hearts. May we give God the fear today (and as often as needed) and chose to put our energy into trusting God with all our heart, soul, mind and strength. For when we allow our trust in God to be greater than the fear we will live more freely in each beautiful day we’ve been given.
With love and hope,
Shawn
-Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust in me also. - John 14:1